The sprouting of the 'stache - Mustache March recap

  • Published
  • By Tech. Sgt. Jefferson Thompson
  • 173rd Fighter Wing Public Affairs
KINGSLEY FIELD, Ore. --  Mustache March came and went with a blink, but not before Airmen around Kingsley Field sprouted their upper lips and tried to bring a real "man-stache" to life.

Senior Master Sgt. Collin Grandy said he watched a lot of Tom Sellek re-runs, but he said what put him over the top was a naturally occurring transplant from the top of his head to his upper lip. Indeed Grandy was awarded the best of show by none other than then Col. Kirk Pierce, who was then promoted to brigadier general, no doubt in acclaim for his judgment where mustaches are concerned.

Another very, very strong mustache arrived on the lip of Chief Master Sgt. Todd Berndt.  It looked as if it would sweep the competition but upon closer inspection its unnatural color shone the light of truth on Machiavellian scheming--and his wife called asking if Berndt could return three tubes of mascara he stole from her purse. In light of that information Pierce summarily disqualified him, and banned him from competition for 11 months.

One upper lip that would have benefited from Berndt's scheming arrived with Staff Sgt. Anthony Clark. At first glance it was obvious that he wasn't a competitor but when he stepped into the judging que officials closely examined his follicles and decided their valiant struggle against genetic make-up rendered them nearly invisible, but that the spider-web fine tendrils did protrude beyond the epidermis--barely. With science as the guide Pierce awarded the "Dirt Lip" award without hesitation.

Lt. Col. Christopher Clark arrived to the big day brimming with an Eagle Driver's confidence, the judging was merely a formality and 'could we please just get to the part where you give me the large trophy?!' Unfortunately that confidence was sadly misplaced in his upper lip and Clark's mustache suffered the ignominy of leaving with no award--the only mustache to do so.

In contrast Senior Airman Manuel Hernandez walked into the room with one of sporting's great twosomes, Michael Jordan and Scotty Pippen or Joe Montana and Jerry Rice stuff here, and Pierce deemed it the most natural pairing of any upper lip and human being present. While Hernandez breezed through the competition he ran into problems when he was awarded his prize winnings the following week. Tech. Sgt. Daniel Waller was distressed upon seeing that the mustache was shorn and threatened to revoke his winnings if it were not summarily re-grown. He asks all Kingsley Airmen to report if Hernandez is spotted without his mustache for future revocation of his winnings.

The most disturbing was also self-evident, upon entering the room a murmur ran through the audience when Senior Airman Nate Deleon walked into the room for judging. Col. Pierce promptly named his mustache "most disturbing" in hopes of quelling a potential riot, and as an additional measure sent him to Airman Leadership School to let things settle down before his return. It was rumored that while attending ALS Deleon has had his upper lip laser-treated to eliminate future hair for at least another 11 months. Many say they are apprehensive about next March.

Organizer Tech. Sgt. Daniel Waller addressed all the hearsay and flimsy fact finding in this report saying, "all jokes aside, this year's 50/50 Mustache March Competition was a rousing success drawing participants from across the Wing and raising money for this year's pending Combat Dining In." He did add however that he's not sure that some of the bases most iconic upper lips, such as Chief Master Sgt. Mike Zalunardo's or Master Sgt. Brian Brown's are capable of their stature in a 30-day period.

"I challenge these individuals to put their money where their upper lip is, let's see if you really have what it takes or if you're sandbagging, growing that mustache over a period of months, or even years," said Waller.